After all, if my relationship with alcohol were not a concern of mine, why would I want to continue working on this little project? I’m as good willed as the next gal, but there’s something in it for me, too. I want my cake and I want to eat it, too. I want to exercise moderation in my indulgence and I found that the most convincing steps I’ve taken toward that goal have been accompanied by learning and self-reflection…so, I’m going to keep it up. Will this path ultimately lead me to a life of full sobriety? I dunno. Am I concerned about that right now? Nope.

But still that statement lurks in the back of my mind…”She’s trying to figure out if [she's] an alcoholic.”

I thought about this when I read this week’s article, submitted here for your reflection.

http://addiction-dirkh.blogspot.com/2010/04/no-urine-test-for-addiction.html

It takes a conscious effort on my part to drink in moderation. And I wonder…should I be surprised? In a culture where we have drawn a line of drinking reason at a person’s age rather than a person’s behavior there is little incentive to slow down and moderate. I read an article this week about a binge drinking study in the UK and immediately thought of college. Pre-game. That was our word for it. Society said tisk tisk, you’re too young to drink – so we drank before we went out into the world. And we knew we weren’t likely to be served some places, too…so we drank even more in the pre-game so the buzz would carry through to the finale. The problem was, sometimes we couldn’t remember the game or we passed out before we could even get there.

A while back I read an article on college drinking policies. The article listed university chancellors who supported a revision to the current drinking age. I was pleased to see my once-chancellor Gordon Gee on that list. I always knew that man was smart. Would that our society would arm our children with the knowledge and tools for moderation instead of pumping them full of guilt and shame…it might make for more moderate adults!

Here’s the study on binge drinking. What do you take from it?

Study reveals extent of binge-drink culture

On a personal note: I went on my first girls’ trip since college last weekend. Coming away from it, one of the things (besides the food!) that pleased me most was the relative (let’s be honest) moderation I exercised in drinking. It’s so nice not only to remember the laughter but also to remember the jokes!

We argued about it. The arguments often started about something else, then he would say something like “and now you’re going to go smoke a cigarette…I know you are.” Walking outside and lighting up was driving a wedge between us but no sooner had the words come out of his mouth and I was out the door. F you, dude.

My behavior is sometimes similar with alcohol:
“You’re going to drink too much tonight – I can see it in your eyes.”

I was thinking about these behaviors as I read an article on anti-drinking ads. Based on my own experiences, I’d say this study was dead on. What do you think?

http://alcoholselfhelpnews.wordpress.com/2010/04/05/anti-drinking-ads-can-increase-alcohol-use/

By the way, I quit smoking in November after reading The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I recommend it whether you’re interested in quitting or not. The behaviors Carr explores are all too familiar to addictive personalities…

I don’t think it’s practical for folks to throw 40 hours of community service abruptly into an already busy life…if it were, it wouldn’t be punishment for offenders. Still, if you are in the midst of an inward journey I firmly believe your efforts will be bolstered if you incorporate this behavior into your life. I read a blog post recently that reminded me just how easy it is to serve daily. Check out Robyn’s story and read the comments below, too…it should be just the thing to get you going:)

http://mixmingleglow.com/blog/?p=1358

Have a great weekend!

I have been working hard to pursue my interests and dreams and with all I have going on everything must be moderated. Thank you, awesome Turbo Chef kitchen timer. You moderate pbskids.org and my RSS Reader equally well, ensuring I spend enough time in the real world to taste some of it and (so doing) come up with something worth writing about.

In that spirit, I publish and make a commitment to the readers of this blog I’m confident I can keep.

1) I will stay plugged in to a virtual world of self evaluation.

2) I will share the information I find rich and interesting here, so you don’t have to search out good sources yourself. It’s my job to do good online research, stay plugged in and informed…I’m in better practice than some.

3) Dude, really? What kind of expert am I? Can anyone recommend trusted online resources so I can monitor and cherry-pick information?

4) That brings me to my next point…I hope you guys start to feel like this is a place you can throw up an anonymous comment and release whatever secret’s eating you up…I think there’s something to the sharing…there is for me, anyway…

“The Plan” started to take shape after I decided to post the personal inventory I mentioned in my tale. My friend Jan told me, after hearing my idea, that I had better get to typing. Clever me, I thought to google the worksheet header before pounding away:) I found the inventory online (self-scoring, even!) and am providing the link to it below. Finding that reminded me that my content does not necessarily have to be original – it only has to be relevant.

So let’s give this a shot. I’ll get organized so I can easily monitor self-reflective information about booze, drugs, etc. and I’ll share that information here. I’ll shoot for weekly posts. You guys let me know if what I’m posting is of value to you and we’ll go from there.

Evaluations: The Clean Sweep Program

Following is a link to the personal inventory I took in group. How do you score? In what area do you score highest? Lowest? Why? How do those scores make you feel?

Clean Sweep Inventory

When I finished my group sessions I went to non-reporting probation. As long as I stayed out of trouble, I stayed out of trouble. A few short months later we learned we were pregnant. Soon thereafter, we miscarried. This excerpt from chapter 2, “The Window Theory”, captures perfectly the feelings I was able to muster in the face of that heartbreak. I really think it’s easier to be positive with each choice to be so.

“Not only is God’s work good, he even gives me the tools I need to punch through the tough times and work my way to the good part. Usually those tools are thoughts that come to me from words – from my husband, my parents, my friends, reading…anything, really.”

This tooling, this preparation, was apparent once again as I gave the sorrow of my loss over to be held by a power not mine. In fact, I witnessed such blatant tooling with the miscarriage that I forgot I’d been blessed that way before. It wasn’t until I read these words written some few hundred days earlier that I saw the two events as tied, once more, in my mind.

I’m thinking now of the vision board I made in group. I put such thought into it. I hung it proudly in my garage, where it would be in my direct line of sight each time I started or parked the car. The idea is to use visual reminders to keep your goals in mind. This is my vision board.

Can you see the brothers reading together in the upper right-hand corner? This vision board was a tool for me. A thought flitted across my mind when I saw them in my misery. The age difference between those children is much more than Kiddo’s and the baby’s would have been…Is it strange I took comfort in that? Maybe my second child is still to come…

So one more gossamer thread is strung between the two incidents. I wonder if just as one short journey ended so did another. That comes to mind when I feel myself slipping into old habits, drinking quickly and pouring often. Or maybe I can put thoughts of both to rest with my fingers on the keyboard but will wonder about the karma indefinitely; a phantom kick in my belly that swears it’s real…

I cried on my last day of group. I cried because I knew I walked out of that room with no guarantee I would see or hear from those people again and it made me sad. My eyes have also filled tonight as I try and sum this experience up for you, who now know me so well. Where do I go from here? How do I grow this into a community conversation, a place where people can come to get the tooling I got when I walked that road? How do I keep myself close to these decisions I made and continue to live and breathe them?

I am very seriously interested in hearing your thoughts, dear reader. Please leave them below. I’m going to spend some time thinking about where to take this thing now and I hope to get some guidance from your words. Tool me, friends…

I’ll be back in a week or two and hopefully, by then, we’ll have 12. A Plan.

My family has a lake house in northeast bumble, GA. We are blessed to spend many summer weekends there. That being the case and the season being summer, my mother suggested I volunteer at the local Habitat for Humanity thrift store.

The thrift store was in an old, cinder block building on the edge of town. There was no central air, so in the summer the doors stood open, the industrial-sized fans humming along in the background. I sorted, I cleaned. I appreciated having learned to fold a fitted sheet during my time housekeeping in Scotland:) Most importantly, I met people there.

I met Agnes, the manager, who managed that place right into a much better storefront in town just a few months after my last shift.

I met Rose, a ninety-something, beautiful black woman who used to make beautiful hats for a living and makes them now for the pleasure it gives her.

I worked several shifts at the thrift store. The heat and the work wore me out, but wonderfully so. Months later (long after my 40 hours were complete) I had the opportunity to participate in a Habitat build and took it. My admiration for that particular organization and it’s volunteers soared when I met people on their third, fourth and umpteenth builds. It soared even more when I worked side by side with the future homeowner. How wonderful to have been exposed to so many facets of an organization!

I went on to work with other organizations, too. I worked at the local co-op, with Rainbow Village and with I Am B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. I pulled different lessons from each and came away with a better understanding of their missions. My service served me well.

Since completing the hours needed for my DUI, I’ve continued my work with some of these groups in one way or another. I am actively involved in I Am B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L., a mentoring program for young women. I am plugged in to Rainbow Village events and do what I can to market their efforts. I have not only collected food for the co-op’s pantry, but have also directed community members there for the services they provide. These things do not take an inordinate amount of time, but they are gestures that contribute to the organizations’ success and I am happy to make them. Happier still that my DUI presented me with the opportunity to plug into these groups and learn how to make service an integral part of my life.

COMING NEXT:
“The End”
Then (assuming I still have your attention), “The Plan” for Sober…how can we transform a personal narrative into a community conversation?

I thought about this one night in group when we were talking about giving up the need to be right. Someone was talking about using the phrase “I see your point” to diffuse arguments and I started to think about the hollow concessions I’ve made to my husband when we’ve argued. Not hollow in the sense that I didn’t mean them but hollow in the sense that the intentions never translated into actions. It’s easy to agree to something when the agreement alone will give you credit. I can concede to your point – do you see how humble and good am I?

When my intention is to be right I can put all the effort possible into action and still the outcome is only my rightness. If I’m willing to set aside my desire to be right, my efforts are freed up to be redirected in a more productive way. I can make an effort to show my husband the love and respect I have for him and if I don’t get it right 100% of the time then at least I’m pushing in the right direction. He is likely to respond to the love and respect I send his way in kind and our interaction could drastically change from what it was – a situation in which there could not be two winners and there may even be two losers.

I eventually put a note up on the wall of the bathtub reminding me to “rinse the tub”. I figured if I looked at that note every night and rinsed the tub I would get into the habit after a couple of weeks’ repetition. The same can be exercised in a willingness to stop trying to be right. As I write these words, as I process these thoughts, I am reaffirming the discipline I exercised with the bathtub. I may stop and think at some point tomorrow, do I need to be right on this? I hope I stop and think that, anyway. I hope that in so doing it becomes easier and more natural for me – that rightness becomes less important.

Is your intention to justify your behaviors and prove rightness or can you set the urge to be “right” aside and focus instead on productive behavior? Will you pour effort into developing healthy relationships instead of keeping score? Do you need to tape a note somewhere to remind yourself of your intentions?

Illustration by FPJC

We went to South Africa for two weeks to visit my husband’s family and our friends. I knew I could drink while I was away without being tested and I thought a lot about whether or not I would. I decided I would. So that I wouldn’t be miserable with guilt, I developed a logic I could embrace. What good were the tools I was learning if I never got to put them into practice? As the trip neared, I wavered. Could I drink without getting that drunk? Would I slip back into old habits with old friends and disappoint myself when I was in a period of such growth?

I have to say, I did pretty well. I fell off the wagon one night but besides that I managed to drink without getting that drunk. That one night was a big disappointment for me. I woke up feeling guilty (not to mention hungover) and spent the next couple of days thinking about what I had lost because of that decision. Of course the flip side of that is I had an experience to compare with my responsible drinking on the rest of the trip.

One thing I learned is that I would really rather remember my time with loved ones than not. The “off the wagon” day was the only day we had to spend with one of our friends, Bianca, and I really can’t say what she’s up to these days. We didn’t have a quality visit and I blame my overindulgence. I think I would have been more tuned in to her presence and used that valuable time more wisely if I hadn’t let myself get that drunk. With the exception of that one night, I remember everything from our visit. I didn’t wake up in the mornings and say man, I had a great time with such and such last night! I just wish I could remember what we talked about…Nor did I wonder if I had looked, sounded or done something stupid. I was present for every experience, conversation and joke. I didn’t pick a numb forgetfulness over my loved ones. What a better way to live!

When I combine these revelations with some of the lessons I’ve learned while sober I become more convinced that I want to be tempered in my drinking. This is a life decision. I want to do these things not because they are right by someone else’s standard or because people will look on my behavior favorably, but because these decisions feel good.

Illustration by FPJC

I may have learned these lessons eventually but my holiday was an interesting break from sobriety. I like how I learned, I like how I grew. I am so blessed.

A NOTE FROM THE 2010 ME:
The memory of that night still disappoints me. I find it interesting that it still comes to my mind. I hadn’t even thought about all the success and happiness I found during the rest of that trip in I don’t know how long. Starting this blog has been so good for me…editing the words from such an emotional journey sends the feelings flooding back.  My resolve strengthens and I grow all over again.

I wasn’t sure what to expect at my first session. We started with the inventory I mentioned before and after completing that we went around the room and shared what we scored the highest and lowest on and elaborated on one or the other. We came to one young lady who already stood out for me as the sort of person I would like to learn more about. She radiated positivity. She had a great laugh, used it and seemed kind.

Jennifer scored lowest on finances and that frustrated her. She had been financially responsible and independent from an early age and over the past year had gone through some difficulties that had put her in debt. She was relying on others for help and that made her uncomfortable. About a year before I met her in group, she broke both her feet rockclimbing, bouldering, dirtbiking or something along those lines. She was laid off from her waitressing job because she couldn’t work with those injuries. Just after that she got busted for a DUI – the second in five years – a big no no. Not to mention, she’d had a third DUI charge reduced to a reckless driving charge. Now I’m a pretty reasonable person. I can see that two DUIs and a reckless driving charge within five years’ time should raise flags. In fact, Jennifer told me at some point that first night that she was going into this process with an open mind…she too saw a raised flag. What she told me next, though, made my heart sore.  Jennifer was taking care of her mother, who was in hospice, when she got this DUI. Despite her attempts to stay out of jail and care for her mother, she was sentenced to three months. Her mother died while she was there.

What’s interesting is that I didn’t pity her circumstances so much as admire her attitude. I interact with way too many people who blame everyone but themselves for the situations they’re in to overlook someone who is so willing to own up to their mistakes and do so with a positive attitude. My mother and my sister complimented me many times in the first few months of my DUI for my positive attitude. As I sat and listened to Jennifer I thought My God! Its one thing for me to have a positive attitude about all this but for this girl to have one shows resilience on a whole new level. Thank you for bringing me to a place where I can meet her, see this and hear your message.

As it turns out, group has been one of the best things I’ve gotten out of this whole experience. We don’t sit around and talk about drugs and alcohol the whole time. We also talk about our attitudes, our goals and our perceptions. We try to train ourselves to respond and behave in ways that reflect consciousness and further our goals. We share our experiences with one another in the hopes that we can all come away better than we came. Well, some of us do, anyway…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – his plan is always better than mine. If I’d walked out of that court evaluation with a paper signed and the light shining at the end of the tunnel I would have missed so much. Though that afternoon was filled with tears, the subsequent days have been filled with personal revelations. My God…thank you so much!