Addict?

I was telling my parents at lunch the other day I’m working on something for Sober (now “Sometimes Sober,” as you may have noticed if you’re visiting the actual site rather than reading my posts by email subscription). In the course of the conversation, my dad (who is a subscriber…hi, Dad!) told my mom that I was “trying to figure out if [I'm] an alcoholic.” Though that’s not how I’d describe my purpose here, it’s an interesting comment to reflect on.

After all, if my relationship with alcohol were not a concern of mine, why would I want to continue working on this little project? I’m as good willed as the next gal, but there’s something in it for me, too. I want my cake and I want to eat it, too. I want to exercise moderation in my indulgence and I found that the most convincing steps I’ve taken toward that goal have been accompanied by learning and self-reflection…so, I’m going to keep it up. Will this path ultimately lead me to a life of full sobriety? I dunno. Am I concerned about that right now? Nope.

But still that statement lurks in the back of my mind…”She’s trying to figure out if [she's] an alcoholic.”

I thought about this when I read this week’s article, submitted here for your reflection.

http://addiction-dirkh.blogspot.com/2010/04/no-urine-test-for-addiction.html

“trying to figure out if [I'm] an alcoholic.”

Binge Drinking

When we reviewed the video from my DUI arrest the primary concern my lawyer had was that I’d blown too high to be functioning as well as I was. He told me this would be a behavioral red flag in my case – an indication that I was a heavy, regular drinker. He said most women with a BAC as high as mine would be passed out. Who me? Beer Pong player-extraordinaire, Jamaican breakfast-beer-chugging-victor Spring Break 2000, sleep-where-you-fall Scotland summer 2001? Nope, not me. I’m a blackout drunk, which means that though my mental and physical state are impaired I am able to continue drinking. And drinking. And drinking.

It takes a conscious effort on my part to drink in moderation. And I wonder…should I be surprised? In a culture where we have drawn a line of drinking reason at a person’s age rather than a person’s behavior there is little incentive to slow down and moderate. I read an article this week about a binge drinking study in the UK and immediately thought of college. Pre-game. That was our word for it. Society said tisk tisk, you’re too young to drink – so we drank before we went out into the world. And we knew we weren’t likely to be served some places, too…so we drank even more in the pre-game so the buzz would carry through to the finale. The problem was, sometimes we couldn’t remember the game or we passed out before we could even get there.

A while back I read an article on college drinking policies. The article listed university chancellors who supported a revision to the current drinking age. I was pleased to see my once-chancellor Gordon Gee on that list. I always knew that man was smart. Would that our society would arm our children with the knowledge and tools for moderation instead of pumping them full of guilt and shame…it might make for more moderate adults!

Here’s the study on binge drinking. What do you take from it?

Study reveals extent of binge-drink culture

On a personal note: I went on my first girls’ trip since college last weekend. Coming away from it, one of the things (besides the food!) that pleased me most was the relative (let’s be honest) moderation I exercised in drinking. It’s so nice not only to remember the laughter but also to remember the jokes!

Perceived Power in Rebellion

I smoked cigarettes from age 14 to last November, breaking only during my pregnancy and nursing. For the last year or so I smoked, my husband did not tolerate it. He quit smoking before our son was born – on my insistence.  He never did understand why I didn’t just stop like he had.

We argued about it. The arguments often started about something else, then he would say something like “and now you’re going to go smoke a cigarette…I know you are.” Walking outside and lighting up was driving a wedge between us but no sooner had the words come out of his mouth and I was out the door. F you, dude.

My behavior is sometimes similar with alcohol:
“You’re going to drink too much tonight – I can see it in your eyes.”

I was thinking about these behaviors as I read an article on anti-drinking ads. Based on my own experiences, I’d say this study was dead on. What do you think?

http://alcoholselfhelpnews.wordpress.com/2010/04/05/anti-drinking-ads-can-increase-alcohol-use/

By the way, I quit smoking in November after reading The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. I recommend it whether you’re interested in quitting or not. The behaviors Carr explores are all too familiar to addictive personalities…

Balance

Taking a good hard look at oneself can be emotionally draining. I believe I get  strength for introspection in the exercise of focusing on others’ needs. It’s like yoga: a pull and stretch in opposite directions achieves overall balance. I have never felt this so profoundly as when I threw myself into the community service I was tasked with after my DUI.

I don’t think it’s practical for folks to throw 40 hours of community service abruptly into an already busy life…if it were, it wouldn’t be punishment for offenders. Still, if you are in the midst of an inward journey I firmly believe your efforts will be bolstered if you incorporate this behavior into your life. I read a blog post recently that reminded me just how easy it is to serve daily. Check out Robyn’s story and read the comments below, too…it should be just the thing to get you going:)

http://mixmingleglow.com/blog/?p=1358

Have a great weekend!

12. The Plan

I’ve a theme that’s been presenting itself repeatedly of late…an echoing suggestion…don’t over commit.

I have been working hard to pursue my interests and dreams and with all I have going on everything must be moderated. Thank you, awesome Turbo Chef kitchen timer. You moderate pbskids.org and my RSS Reader equally well, ensuring I spend enough time in the real world to taste some of it and (so doing) come up with something worth writing about.

In that spirit, I publish and make a commitment to the readers of this blog I’m confident I can keep.

1) I will stay plugged in to a virtual world of self evaluation.

2) I will share the information I find rich and interesting here, so you don’t have to search out good sources yourself. It’s my job to do good online research, stay plugged in and informed…I’m in better practice than some.

3) Dude, really? What kind of expert am I? Can anyone recommend trusted online resources so I can monitor and cherry-pick information?

4) That brings me to my next point…I hope you guys start to feel like this is a place you can throw up an anonymous comment and release whatever secret’s eating you up…I think there’s something to the sharing…there is for me, anyway…

“The Plan” started to take shape after I decided to post the personal inventory I mentioned in my tale. My friend Jan told me, after hearing my idea, that I had better get to typing. Clever me, I thought to google the worksheet header before pounding away:) I found the inventory online (self-scoring, even!) and am providing the link to it below. Finding that reminded me that my content does not necessarily have to be original – it only has to be relevant.

So let’s give this a shot. I’ll get organized so I can easily monitor self-reflective information about booze, drugs, etc. and I’ll share that information here. I’ll shoot for weekly posts. You guys let me know if what I’m posting is of value to you and we’ll go from there.

Evaluations: The Clean Sweep Program

Following is a link to the personal inventory I took in group. How do you score? In what area do you score highest? Lowest? Why? How do those scores make you feel?

Clean Sweep Inventory

11. The End

678 days. That’s how many days have passed since I saw those lights in my rear view mirror. Why did I calculate that duration? Did I think it would quantify the experience? Help me sum it up beautifully? Launch me into perfect prose..?

When I finished my group sessions I went to non-reporting probation. As long as I stayed out of trouble, I stayed out of trouble. A few short months later we learned we were pregnant. Soon thereafter, we miscarried. This excerpt from chapter 2, “The Window Theory”, captures perfectly the feelings I was able to muster in the face of that heartbreak. I really think it’s easier to be positive with each choice to be so.

“Not only is God’s work good, he even gives me the tools I need to punch through the tough times and work my way to the good part. Usually those tools are thoughts that come to me from words – from my husband, my parents, my friends, reading…anything, really.”

This tooling, this preparation, was apparent once again as I gave the sorrow of my loss over to be held by a power not mine. In fact, I witnessed such blatant tooling with the miscarriage that I forgot I’d been blessed that way before. It wasn’t until I read these words written some few hundred days earlier that I saw the two events as tied, once more, in my mind.

I’m thinking now of the vision board I made in group. I put such thought into it. I hung it proudly in my garage, where it would be in my direct line of sight each time I started or parked the car. The idea is to use visual reminders to keep your goals in mind. This is my vision board.

Can you see the brothers reading together in the upper right-hand corner? This vision board was a tool for me. A thought flitted across my mind when I saw them in my misery. The age difference between those children is much more than Kiddo’s and the baby’s would have been…Is it strange I took comfort in that? Maybe my second child is still to come…

So one more gossamer thread is strung between the two incidents. I wonder if just as one short journey ended so did another. That comes to mind when I feel myself slipping into old habits, drinking quickly and pouring often. Or maybe I can put thoughts of both to rest with my fingers on the keyboard but will wonder about the karma indefinitely; a phantom kick in my belly that swears it’s real…

I cried on my last day of group. I cried because I knew I walked out of that room with no guarantee I would see or hear from those people again and it made me sad. My eyes have also filled tonight as I try and sum this experience up for you, who now know me so well. Where do I go from here? How do I grow this into a community conversation, a place where people can come to get the tooling I got when I walked that road? How do I keep myself close to these decisions I made and continue to live and breathe them?

I am very seriously interested in hearing your thoughts, dear reader. Please leave them below. I’m going to spend some time thinking about where to take this thing now and I hope to get some guidance from your words. Tool me, friends…

I’ll be back in a week or two and hopefully, by then, we’ll have 12. A Plan.

10. Service

Of all the opportunities I’ve had as a direct result of my DUI, the opportunity to serve has been the greatest. Though I’ve had that opportunity before in my life, I’ll admit I don’t often search it out. Still, I’m comfortable doing it and get a goodness recharge in the acts. Charlie told me early on that I’d need to get in 40 hours of community service before I went to court, so my service time was also unencumbered with the evaluations and intentions that came later, when I was in group. In hindsight, this goodness recharge may have been what strengthened me for the challenge (I’ve experienced this kind of fortification at several critical moments in my life).

My family has a lake house in northeast bumble, GA. We are blessed to spend many summer weekends there. That being the case and the season being summer, my mother suggested I volunteer at the local Habitat for Humanity thrift store.

The thrift store was in an old, cinder block building on the edge of town. There was no central air, so in the summer the doors stood open, the industrial-sized fans humming along in the background. I sorted, I cleaned. I appreciated having learned to fold a fitted sheet during my time housekeeping in Scotland:) Most importantly, I met people there.

I met Agnes, the manager, who managed that place right into a much better storefront in town just a few months after my last shift.

I met Rose, a ninety-something, beautiful black woman who used to make beautiful hats for a living and makes them now for the pleasure it gives her.

I worked several shifts at the thrift store. The heat and the work wore me out, but wonderfully so. Months later (long after my 40 hours were complete) I had the opportunity to participate in a Habitat build and took it. My admiration for that particular organization and it’s volunteers soared when I met people on their third, fourth and umpteenth builds. It soared even more when I worked side by side with the future homeowner. How wonderful to have been exposed to so many facets of an organization!

I went on to work with other organizations, too. I worked at the local co-op, with Rainbow Village and with I Am B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L. I pulled different lessons from each and came away with a better understanding of their missions. My service served me well.

Since completing the hours needed for my DUI, I’ve continued my work with some of these groups in one way or another. I am actively involved in I Am B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L., a mentoring program for young women. I am plugged in to Rainbow Village events and do what I can to market their efforts. I have not only collected food for the co-op’s pantry, but have also directed community members there for the services they provide. These things do not take an inordinate amount of time, but they are gestures that contribute to the organizations’ success and I am happy to make them. Happier still that my DUI presented me with the opportunity to plug into these groups and learn how to make service an integral part of my life.

COMING NEXT:
“The End”
Then (assuming I still have your attention), “The Plan” for Sober…how can we transform a personal narrative into a community conversation?